Monday, December 21, 2009

Suck it, Santa!

Ah, Christmas...the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, Our Savior. You knew that, right? I'm just asking because some guy in a big red suit came and f***ed it all up. Sure, he had good intentions. Bring presents to the children of the world, thus spreading joy, blah blah blah. But I have to say...Santa sucks. Here's are a few of my reasons:

1) Why can't Santa pick a different day to come every year? Every kid knows Santa comes on Dec. 25. They spend the entire week leading up to Christmas driving their parents nuts because they are so damned excited. If they don't know what day Christmas is, then we can avoid all of this.
2) Santa doesn't screen his elves well enough. You'd think with the Internet it would be easy to run a background check and contact references, but no. Seems any guy with a white beard will do nowadays. These elves don't even ask what the kids want for Christmas. It's just a picture and a piece of candy, then out the door they go. C'mon Santa. Get with the program. These elves are representing you and honestly, you're starting to look like a real dick.
3) Santa just doesn't think about how his toys are going to irritate parents. First, you have to open the damned boxes. Is it necessary to have so many twist ties, screws, and rubber bands holding them in the box? Then you finally get the boxes open and the toys have a zillion little pieces, play irritating music or make horrible messes. Let's stick with basics, Santa. I'm talking about balls, Jack-in-the-boxes, and baby dolls.

I just think if Santa is going to steal Christmas from Jesus, then he better get his shit in a bag. In today's times it's survival of the fittest. You never know when some new guy's going to come along and steal your glory. Just ask Jesus, and he could turn water into wine.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Ho, ho, holy shit!

As if the holidays aren't crazy enough, God just has to add that other element in there...the unexpected. We all expect crowded malls, crazy relatives, and hyper children but no one ever expects the loss of a loved one or a job lay-off. In my case the unexpected apparently involves poop.
Today my daughter called me from the bathroom, "Mama, there's a string in my poop!" Lovely. I thought I was finished looking at her poop when she started wiping her own ass, but I guess not. When I looked in I was horrified. It looked like a 5-inch ribbon was intertwined in her poop. Gross? I know. Immediately I called the doctor. At the appointment they looked her over, then left and came back with what looked like a poop chemistry set. Different vials that I have to mix poop into and take to the lab for testing. Yay! And to top it all off, it has to stay refrigerated. So daughter's turd vial is all nestled in a coffee can, like a little Mr. Hanky, ready to spread holiday cheer right next to my condiments and leftovers.
Hopefully the rest of Christmas is nice, because it can't really get much worse than mixing turds like a mad poop scientist. Happy Holidays! Hopefully they are not as shitty as mine.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


I think I've mentioned it before, but I am an artist. I loved art all growing up and so when it came time to choose a profession, I decided to become an art teacher. I loved my high school art teacher. She was the greatest lady and had a huge impact on a little girl who was constantly bullied. I wanted to be just like her, so I endured 5 years at Penn State and, when I graduated, I was ready to make that same kind of impact on someone else. Except that the job market for teachers in PA sucked and I couldn't get so much as an interview even though I excelled in college. Getting a teaching position in PA involves a lot of sucking up and usually nepotism. I am not good at sucking up and my family had no connections. I tried substitute teaching. I was good at it, so good that the schools didn't want to forfit me as substitute. Eventually I needed a more reliable job so I worked in daycare until hubby and I had our son. First chance I could get, I stayed home to take care of him. Then came baby #2. Now 11 yrs later I'm left with no qualifications or experience and the suckassedness starts all over again as I search for a job again. It started last year. Things were going pretty good. I needed to retake my certification tests. I passed the first 2, no problem. I was very surprised when I failed the 3rd test. Close, but no cigar. So I arranged to retake it. I was sure I aced it. I checked the computer and, BAM, was hit with another failure. Boo! But something looked wrong. I failed MISERABLY! I called the test-taking facility to tell them I thought there was a mistake. Nope, no mistake, they claimed. I knew in my heart I passed that test, so I paid the $55 for them to verify the test score. Sure enough....THEY HAD LOST PART OF MY TEST!! Turns out I ACED IT! I got everything straightened out, but not before the start of the new school year. So here I am, applying again. It sucks. And that's my sob story.

Here's some of my artwork, if anyone cares.

This was the first old painting I ever painted. I was in college.

My concentration in college was printmaking. This is a lithograph. I had really bad strep when the sketches for this print were due, so I could only draw something I could set up in my dorm room.

When we lived in OH I was obsessed with painting barns. This is my Grandma's farm.

I like feel good art. Nothing abstract or deeply meaningful. I like painting nature scenes.

I do commissions. This is my sister-in-law's cousin. She died in a car crash last year. I earned a $25 iTunes gift card for this little endeavor. I've done other commissions, too. One time I sketched a couple of golden retrievers at the Humane Society.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Lucy the Dog

A few weeks ago we lost our beloved puppy Lucy. She was a great dog. We took her to get spayed and for some reason God took her from us. The vet said it was probably a bad reaction to the anesthesia. She made it through her surgery, but never woke up. We rushed to the vet clinic and were able to say goodbye before she took her final breath. It was very hard on the whole family. Today my son came home from school with a story he wrote about Lucy. I cried as I read it. Here it is:

Lucy was sweet. She bit me a lot, but I loved her. When she wanted to play she bit my Mom's pant leg. She kissed my face to wake me up. Lucy's ears stuck up, but we did not want them to. When I got off the bus she attacked my window trying to get me and when I got inside she attacked me with kisses. She was the best dog ever and no one can replace her.
P.S. I love you with all my heart still.

On Sunday we are going to get a new puppy named Rocky. I pray that God will keep him safe and that we will have him until he grows old.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

There is no hope for the world.

I've decided to change the theme of my blog. What once started as a blog to help people get off of their asses and learn something that will be of use to them in the world, has turned into another "piss and moan" blog. Lord knows, I have enough to bitch about. Right now I'm stuck in rural Louisville with no family or friends anywhere close to me. The people in this town (Shelbyville) are like some kind of zombie army of rednecks. They have no sense of humor and are not extrememly welcoming to outsiders. I suck at socializing with other moms because I, inevitably, piss someone off. I cannot involve myself in my church, because KY has NO Byzantine Catholic churches in the entire state. The one thing I find enjoyment in is gardening. Since we live right in front of my son's school I will often work in the gardens at the school.
So...since people really have no desire to learn how to cook or sew or do anything the least bit useful, then I will use my blog space to offer up my special brand of insanity. It sure beats talking to myself. And since I have been told that I am too wordy for Twitter, I can use my blog for all of my special rants.