Monday, December 21, 2009

Suck it, Santa!

Ah, Christmas...the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, Our Savior. You knew that, right? I'm just asking because some guy in a big red suit came and f***ed it all up. Sure, he had good intentions. Bring presents to the children of the world, thus spreading joy, blah blah blah. But I have to say...Santa sucks. Here's are a few of my reasons:

1) Why can't Santa pick a different day to come every year? Every kid knows Santa comes on Dec. 25. They spend the entire week leading up to Christmas driving their parents nuts because they are so damned excited. If they don't know what day Christmas is, then we can avoid all of this.
2) Santa doesn't screen his elves well enough. You'd think with the Internet it would be easy to run a background check and contact references, but no. Seems any guy with a white beard will do nowadays. These elves don't even ask what the kids want for Christmas. It's just a picture and a piece of candy, then out the door they go. C'mon Santa. Get with the program. These elves are representing you and honestly, you're starting to look like a real dick.
3) Santa just doesn't think about how his toys are going to irritate parents. First, you have to open the damned boxes. Is it necessary to have so many twist ties, screws, and rubber bands holding them in the box? Then you finally get the boxes open and the toys have a zillion little pieces, play irritating music or make horrible messes. Let's stick with basics, Santa. I'm talking about balls, Jack-in-the-boxes, and baby dolls.

I just think if Santa is going to steal Christmas from Jesus, then he better get his shit in a bag. In today's times it's survival of the fittest. You never know when some new guy's going to come along and steal your glory. Just ask Jesus, and he could turn water into wine.

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